At nearly two and a half, my daughter Zina has become deeply interested in disagreement.
Not just ordinary disagreement, either. Sometimes she gets herself into an oppositional rhythm where the answer to almost everything becomes no. You can offer her something she genuinely wants, and the pleasure of disagreeing may still outrank the offer.
Recently, that stubbornness unexpectedly became a small Russian-language exercise and reminded me why a family language needs useful little jobs in ordinary life.
An empty Tic Tac box
I was holding an empty Tic Tac box when Zina asked, ‘Can I have that, Pappa?’ I replied in Russian, ‘Ask me in Russian and I’ll give it to you.’
Her immediate response was ‘No.’ In English.
So I answered in Russian, ‘No? Then I won’t give it to you.’ There was a brief pause while she considered whether principle or possession mattered more. Then she replied in Russian, ‘No, give it to me.’
So I gave it to her.
It was not a beautifully constructed sentence or a planned language lesson. There were no flashcards, exercises or corrections. But she switched languages because Russian had suddenly become useful. She wanted something, and Russian was the quickest way to get it.
Give the language a job
One difficulty in raising a child with a heritage language is that the majority language often works perfectly well. If everyone around your child understands English, why should a toddler make the extra effort to find the Russian word?
Adults understand the long-term reasons: family, culture, identity and relationships with grandparents and relatives. A two-year-old generally has more immediate priorities, such as obtaining an empty Tic Tac box.
Instead of asking a young child to use the family language simply because we want them to practise, we can sometimes create tiny situations where the language has a practical purpose. Not artificial tests, just ordinary life: ask Pappa in Russian, tell Grandma what you want, choose one, or ask for another strawberry.
The motivation may last three seconds. That can be enough.
Don’t make the price too high
If Zina had needed to produce a perfect Russian sentence before I handed over the box, the interaction probably would have collapsed. She might have become frustrated, walked away or decided it was not worth the trouble.
The aim was not to make her prove that she knew Russian. It was to encourage her to reach a little further into the language she already has. ‘No, give it to me’ was good enough. The communication worked, I understood her and Russian had done something useful.
There will be plenty of time later for grammar, vocabulary and more complete sentences. For a toddler, sometimes the most valuable lesson is simply: this language works.
Use what already motivates them
Young children constantly tell us what motivates them. Those moments can invite another language into the day without turning the house into a classroom.
Sometimes I say the word she needs. Sometimes I begin the sentence and let her finish it. Sometimes I ask her to try again in Russian. And sometimes, especially when she is tired or frustrated, I do not push it at all.
The point is not to make access to everything conditional on speaking correctly. It is to notice moments when the desire to communicate is already there and gently make room for the family language.
- A favourite snack
- A toy on a high shelf
- Choosing a book
- Opening a container
- Going outside
- Being picked up
- Having another turn
- Even arguing with Pappa
Even ‘no’ is language
We tend to notice the impressive parts of children’s language development: new nouns, longer sentences, counting, colours or translating between languages. But disagreement is language too.
No. Don’t want it. Give it to me. No way. These are not poetic phrases, but they are powerful ones for a toddler. They let a child express preference, negotiate and try to control their world.
So when some of that increasingly argumentative toddler energy appears in the family language, it is worth noticing. Even an argument can become practice. Occasionally, the determination to say no may be exactly what persuades a child to find the words they need to eventually say yes.
